i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
