If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
