i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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