Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
