Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
