shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
