My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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