Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
