Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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