I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
