I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize