How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
