hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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