I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
