my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
