My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
