im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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