i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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