Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize