dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
