new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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