I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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