none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
