you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
