yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
