Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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