I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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