i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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