I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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