I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize