Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
