just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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