Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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