Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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