they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My bed smells like the plague
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
