Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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