I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
