Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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