Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I am midnight drunk by noon
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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