Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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