My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
