I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Let's paint friendship bongs
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
