you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
