His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
