Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
