You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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