so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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