i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
