i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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