I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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