Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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