you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
