Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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