So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
