i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
