tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
